The Me Nobody knows

Growing up is never easy. being an adult, we ought to give up so much. not anyone in particular but to life. i feel i will give up very soon. this world consumes a lot of my energy and i am not ready for it . maybe because i have no energy left within. with all the struggle and fights within the world. there is no progression in my thoughts.. no broadening of perception.. no moving forward.. my energy gets wasted in things that holds no value. this is at least i expected from my life. i am not  surrounded by the people whom i could ask about life, about something productive. i don't look back at moon anymore. i look at my face into mirror and i feel, i feel nothing. numb, i want to ask myself where i am heading towards. but don't.. i can't because my mind is not healthy enough to ask such questions. is it because of the hormonal disease? or is it just psychological ? i want to believe in the former. i could treat it at least. i have to... people may not understand the changes i am going through. the havoc this disease is causing in my physical and mental being, but at least i know the reason if it's not psychological . what else could a person like me hope for? a reason to know the insanity within.

i am not learning anything that would help me grow as a person. i am tired of all negativity around me. usually i just step back from such people and surroundings. i may be a loner, but i have been a hopeful person. not enthusiastic but little hopeful. that life will be fine.. if not good or best, it will be fine at least. now i don't claim any such thing. i cannot think about life anymore. or maybe, i do not have the stamina for anything such this..for myself or anything else. do you think it worth? a life like this? i want to read through..read and travel. i wanted this year to be full of life and i could do none. no explanations.. no excuses.. i just couldn't..

with this year coming i am not hoping anything beautiful and bright. i am not... because this burden of explanations ruins a lot of things. i just want one thing , that may this year never repeat itself, not even in bits and pieces.

Winter's sky!

Winter's this year is not frosty. mornings and nights are comparatively breezy though. but the days are better. feels like autumn. however, there's a strange emptiness during the afternoons. like the day loses its soul during the daylight. i feel a strange void. sometimes i feel the shiver down my spine. my hands feel cold. my legs feel weak.. and my mind.. my mind feels numb. numbness is lack of feeling though. i find it hard to see, to speak, to hear.. and this anxiety of what is going to happen next. the uncertainty... the rush.. the excitement or the scary feeling.

last year this time i was so busy in my life, and i remember feeling this the third year when my life is undergoing a major change during this time of year. last night i couldn't sleep. i twisted and curled but i could not sleep. my mind feels restless with no signs of calming down. i just need to calm down. sat quietly for some time and think nothing. is it that tough? to calm your mind and your body for a few minutes?..

Things We lost in Fire!

It's been really long since i stopped writing, not that I don't want to.. i feel this urge to write and just vent it out, but life has been busy... with so many things.. with changes..with marriage .. with job.. and with myself. i open the page and I just go blank. i think i have lost my capacity to think or may be i just don't want to think anymore. because the more i think about, the more i want to run from it. a few days back, one of a friend said why i over-analyze things, that got me thinking, that i really think this much? now that i really don't want to. i run from it. but, you know what. i was wrong..this was me.. or this is me. this is a very essential part of my being. that i am sensitive to few things. that i do think and can't separate a part of me from myself. i don't want to... I would prefer to live without people who cannot handle or accept the way i am. but i will not lose the very essence of me.

coming back to writing. i just want to get back to the phase of my life where i would just wake up in the middle of the night and write down my thoughts and never read it back. today, i re-read my old posts, thinking, how could i just write all just anything going through my mind. why is it so tough now? why i could not get the things out of my mind and my heart. why words fail me everywhere i want to write?

i am hoping that this phase will pass soon.. i hope things get better with me. i hope i could train my mind better and just listen to my heart. years had passed but i am not myself. and since i am out of words i am concluding this abruptly.